I had a terrible dream the other night- my husband attributed it to my over indulgence in SMORES the night before - I however am not convinced. Regardless of the cause, this dream hurt me in my gut, left me raw and grasping for the peace of wakefulness; though when I awoke peace alluded me.
In typical dream fashion, when you try to explain them they seem ungraspable. What made perfect sense in you subconscious doesn't clearly translate into the flow of reality. You know, the "well, it was you, but then it was an alien transformer" scenario.... So I'll spare the details of the dream but here's the gist:
Maddox and I were in the territory of a tribe known for raiding travelers, stealing their sons, where they would then put them through unimaginable torture and in the words of my dream "violate their souls- leaving them empty when returned." Of course this tribe was on its way to capturing us and I was faced with panic - Should I run and try and hide him? Should I fight till my last breath defending him? Should I spare him this certain torture by taking his life?
Now that alone would be gut-wrenching, but what happened next in my dream was the part that has pricked my heart, I audibly heard God speak to me saying, "Do you not trust me to take ANY tragedy that he would encounter and use it for good?" Then I woke up.
Do I not trust God to turn tragedy into something beautiful, something that brings Him glory? Like the story of Joseph, betrayed by his brothers, imprisoned, also faced with certain torture and tragedy... But God used all of that mess, redeemed Joseph, and saved an entire country from famine and death.
Don't get me wrong I don't think God is preparing me for something that tragic, but I do think that in reflecting on my dream and why it hurt so bad, my eyes have been opened to a truth I needed to see.
I can not be God to my kids. God placed me in the role as their parent, and I need to do my best at raising them, protecting them, preparing them, and providing for them. But I am human, they are human; because of that there is considerable chance that we will mess up, be hurt, go astray. And when that happens, do I trust that GOD is still God? That God is faithful, that he will use any tragedy to bring about redemption and make known the glory of His name?
I don't think I did before, and I may not be there yet, but I am aware. And I pray that I never become unaware.