MYP Personal Project

Hike 26; Saint Johns Trail 5 mile out and back in Keystone Colorado , 72 degrees and sunny, traveled through aspen meadows, pine forests and wild-flower meadows. Joined by my MYP group- Kathy, Lori, Kim, Laura, Acacia and Jeff.

Gear: EpiPen and allergy treatment kit, water, sunscreen, bug spray, and a hat.  (Wish I had trekking poles for the steep incline sections.)

This hike was a struggle!  We went straight up the side of the mountain outside our condo in search of our trail!  Next time I will not wear my chaco sandals on a hike like this as I needed much more ankle support and toe protection from the stickers!

I definitely demonstrated the learner profile characteristic of caring on this hike as I carried everyone's water in my bag.  But can that be considered caring if it was also self serving as I wanted the extra weight in preparation for an overnight backpacking trip??

Change, the Ensuing Anxiety and Whispers from God

I ended the school year having moved into a new room with a window and full of excitement for what was next.  I had plans, great plans, for my next year at MGMS.  Then I received a phone call- dense with possibilities- calling me to change, to lay aside MY plans for next year and take on something new.  I was asked to take on a math position at PHS and begin training as an IB instructor.  The thought of getting to challenge myself as an educator and continue to develop professionally was exciting, heady.  Could I do it? Could I leave my own personal slice of paradise to take on the unknown?

I spent quite a bit of time in prayer, and in the Word, and just sitting still with the possibilities. In the end I felt at peace about making the move.  Once the decision was made I was just a boulder succumbing to gravity, the change happened so quickly, everything fell into place with such ease and with so little effort, I knew that I had done the right thing.

Fast forward to the middle of summer, my garage is packed full with what was my classroom, I am without a home, with out a room, without a schedule of courses- in a state of limbo. I have just spent an hour telling my friend, who will be taking my position at MGMS (we basically swapped places) how amazing my students are, sharing the excitement of doing the school news. She reciprocated in telling me what I would be taking on at the HS-  only her stories left me wavering in the uncertainty of my decision but hopeless to make any course correcting change - a pregnant woman hearing the horrors of pregnancy, labor, and child rearing.

My uncertainty quickly spread to ... "How did I miss God?"  How did I so completely misunderstand the peace I felt when contemplating the move originally?  I began to doubt everything, doubt myself, doubt my decision making ability, doubt my ability to be a teacher; fear crept in and I was frozen with anxiety.

Unable to deal with the physical pain, sleepless nights, and irritability from my anxiety. I turned to God again.
A simple request, "God open my heart to hear from you, help me to be sensitive to what you have for me today."  and my God listened, my God replied with his word, woven perfectly together to bring his peace to my heart once again.

 The Lord is my strength and my song He has given me victory (Exodus 15:2).  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the Lord you God will personally go ahead of you he will neither fail you nor abandon you (Deut. 31:6).  God is with her, she will not fail.(Ps 46:5) Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you.  He will not fail you or forsake you.  He will see to it that all the work related to the temple of the Lord is finished correctly (1 Chronicles 28:20).  To which I replied, yes, but that's about the temple, not me... Do you realize that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit! (1 Cor 6:19).

My fear thawed by a Father gently whispering to my heart.  I became unstuck, again a boulder surrendering to gravity.  My creativity and confidence for teaching returning.  I received a room, a schedule, and the mental capacity to begin making plans for next year.

Am I still anxious?  Am I still scared?  Those words seem so huge and negative, so I'd have to say no. Instead I feel the residue of these emotions, faint and slight, just enough to know that I have taken on a change, that it won't be easy, that it will be work...

... but it will be good.

Teenage Driving

Today I took my sweet 16 year old to taker her driving test and hopefully to the DMV to get her actual license.

We were both quite nervous- but the nerves were all for naught as she passed missing only a few points for turning a blinker on too soon, then not leaving it on long enough when changing lanes. 

The next step was to go to the DMV to get her actual license.  

Notice our ticket says to expect a 1 hour and 5 minute wait. We expected a long wait, but their estimate was slightly off... 2 hours and 40 min later I walked out with a licensed driver. 

After a long overdue lunch she dropped me off at home and headed out on her own. 

It is the strangest mix of feelings when your kid has the freedom to drive with out you. Fear- will she drive safe in a world of unsafe drivers? Excitement- at the prospect of not having to wake up early to drive her to early morning practices across town. Maybe a little bit of heartbreak, and a dash of heart swelling pride too, at the realization that your kid has just made a huge leap towards adulthood. Even a wash of nostalgia overcomes you as you remember your younger self free behind the wheel for the first time. 

But most of all I felt thankful. Thankful that my daughter has grown into a stunning young woman with a kindness and maturity that often schools me. Thankful for the 2 + hours at the DMV sitting side by side giggling and laughing together. Thankful for clear road conditions on her maiden voyage. Thankful to be able to provide her with a safe car. Thankful for the blessing of Madison in my life. 

Her brother felt thankful as well.... "Yes!! Now she can take me out to go pick up chicks!" (Oh goodness...) 

Happy Driving! 

2015 Goals

Be content

Be thankful

Do I Play God?

I had a terrible dream the other night- my husband attributed it to my over indulgence in SMORES the night before - I however am not convinced.  Regardless of the cause, this dream hurt me in my gut, left me raw and grasping for the peace of wakefulness; though when I awoke peace alluded me. 

In typical dream fashion, when you try to explain them they seem ungraspable. What made perfect sense in you subconscious doesn't clearly translate into the flow of reality. You know, the "well, it was you, but then it was an alien transformer" scenario....  So I'll spare the details of the dream but here's the gist:

 Maddox and I were in the territory of a tribe known for raiding travelers, stealing their sons, where they would then put them through unimaginable torture and in the words of my dream "violate their souls- leaving them empty when returned."  Of course this tribe was on its way to capturing us and I was faced with panic - Should I run and try and hide him? Should I fight till my last breath defending him? Should I spare him this certain torture by taking his life? 

Now that alone would be gut-wrenching, but what happened next in my dream was the part that has pricked my heart, I audibly heard God speak to me saying, "Do you not trust me to take ANY tragedy that he would encounter and use it for good?"  Then I woke up.

Do I not trust God to turn tragedy into something beautiful, something that brings Him glory? Like the story of Joseph, betrayed by his brothers, imprisoned, also faced with certain torture and tragedy... But God used all of that mess, redeemed Joseph, and saved an entire country from famine and death.

Don't get me wrong I don't think God is preparing me for something that tragic, but I do think that in reflecting on my dream and why it hurt so bad, my eyes have been opened to a truth I needed to see.

I can not be God to my kids.  God placed me in the role as their parent, and I need to do my best at raising them, protecting them, preparing them, and providing for them. But I am human, they are human; because of that there is considerable chance that we will mess up, be hurt, go astray.  And when that happens, do I trust that GOD is still God?  That God is faithful, that he will use any tragedy to bring about redemption and make known the glory of His name?

I don't think I did before, and I may not be there yet, but I am aware.  And I pray that I never become unaware.

Words

A dear friend got married this weekend, and as they said their vows I began to ponder the power of spoken words. 

I believe that marriage is more than a signed slip of paper, a certificate, and a change in your tax status. But if a signed document isn't what creates a marriage, then what does? 

Every wedding ceremony incorporates the couple making a vow to each other,  "to have and to hold, in sickness and in health...". I remembered their vows- to choose love, to fight for love, to fiercely protect their family. Vows are more than  nice words scrawled on a napkin, these were the deepest utterings of their hearts spoken aloud. And there is something magical- that happens when the heart is given voice - a covenant is formed- a bond, a knitting together, a cleaving. 

But do words only wield their power when spoken in a wedding vow? Or at times of extreme emotion? Or does their power weave their way in everyday conversation? 

Death and life are in the power of the tongue. (Proverbs 18:21). Our whole existence was created by the breath of God, by the power of His word (Hebrews 11:3). Confession-our words- are an integral part of our salvation (Romans 10:9). Paul tells us in Ephesians 4:29 that no unwholesome talk should come out of our mouths. And Jesus himself tells us that we will be accountable for the words we speak when we stand before him (Matthew 12:36-37). So words, the utterings of our heart, and even the flippant responses, bring with them the power to create-as in the case of the wedding vows- a beautiful covenant, or they have the power to destroy. 

How important it is then, that I should be more purposeful in the words I choose, and more diligent at guarding my heart and tongue from words that will cut, hurt, and wound. 

My husband refuses to let our children use the words "I'll try". Are you going to score a touch down today? "I'll try". Are you going to get good grades? "I'll try". That response, until recently seemed like a perfectly good response. Then he explained - the words "I'll try" leave room to not score a touch down or not get good grades. They allow for a slight expectation of failure.  He insists they instead use "I will..." and over the years as the children have shifted from "I'll try" to "I will" I have seen the difference. This doesn't mean they always succeed, and do everything perfectly, but their confidence entering into the task, and their strength in handling a failure have changed dramatically for the better. 

This got me thinking not only about the literal meaning behind the words we speak, but the connotation with which we use them. I know personally that when I get down, I struggle with negative self talk, and it has never- not once- improved my mental state of being. 

Now I'm not jumping on the "Name it Claim it" or "Blab it Grab it" bandwagon (been there done that and left disillusioned). However, I see how valuable words are in setting our hearts in the right direction, how powerful they are to create lasting bonds, and how beautiful they are when we give a voice to the deepest longings of our soul. 

What will you do with the words entrusted to you?  Will you uplift, encourage, and bring peace, mercy and grace? Will you create something beautiful? 

The Library Card

Today was my last day of school, and my first day of summer vacation. 

In typical fashion I hit the door running, arms wide to embrace my temporary freedom. Eagerly anticipating a summer filled with adventure, camping, pools, lakes, and books, lots and lots of books. 

I always have great expectations for my summers with my children ( the ones I birthed, not the ones I adopt from August through May). And being an idealist and perfectionist, it's never surprising that my ideal falls a bit short of reality. 

But today, ideal became reality. 

Maddox begged to go to the library, get his very own library card, and check out his first books of the summer. We sat on the patio of the library in the cool Palisade breeze, me finishing the final chapters of a beautiful novel, And The Mountsins Echoed, and Maddox exploring the books of the library. He was specifically interested in the Star Wars books. Then he stumbled upon his first graphic novel - The Monster On The Hill. 

He asked to go to the park, and once there he suggested we take a blanket under the tree to keep reading our books. 

It was bliss, relaxing under the rustling leaves of the cottonwoods, reading side by side with the sweetest boy.

As we packed up to go get his sister, Maddox  commented on how much he had enjoyed our morning, and began making plans for us to do it again next week- and each week for the rest of the summer.

If today is any indicator for what lies ahead this summer, I am ready to throw myself in, headlong with wreckless abandon! 

When I gave up Face Book for Lent....

...nothing Earth shattering and revolutionary occurred but I gained some significant perspective. 

First I realizeed how much of my life fb consumed.

Second I realized that my first choice was fb; it was difficult to retrain my brain and fingers to not select that button on the phone... I eventually deleted the app. And retrained myself to select my bible app and see what God was speaking to me instead. (I allowed myself Pinterest and Instagram, and I think there was significant influx of pins on my board...) 

Third I realized how much people rely on fb to communicate and connect. I missed the invite to my college roomies shower(thankfully she texted me later), and so many friends had big things happening that I would have only found out on fb. When I got together with friends they would continue conversations from fb, and I was at a loss.

Finally I had so many things happening that I wanted to share with my friends- Maddox started tackle football, Madison made varsity soccer- just to name a two. 

My intent in participating in lent this year was to grow closer to God, and create a habit where I chose His word first to speak into my life. I can happily say I've grown in this through Lent. 

However, quite unexpectedly I learned the value of social media. I had become resentful of this new(ish) way we connect. It lacked the personal touch, the closeness, and depth I crave in relationships. But being with out it for 40 days, I had never felt so disconnected from my friends- even my closest ones. I realize now how comforting it is to click one button and be able to check in on the lives of my friends. 

Since I've been back, I've been looking in on each of them more, but posting about my happenings is lacking. Maybe I'll post more, maybe I'll just like and comment, but I certainly have a greater appreciation for the role fb plays in friendship. 

What fruit am I bearing?

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:22

It was this verse that shook me a few months ago, I realized I was exhibiting none of these. So where was my life rooted? What story was I living out? How could I claim to be a daughter of God, yet not resemble Him? If I wasn't bearing these fruits, then what was I filled with- it wasn't the Holy Spirit. 

I needed to get into Gods word-NOW! I felt overwhelmed, I didn't know where to start; the Bible is huge!  So I began a plan from my YouVersion app, then another! And currently find myself studying about and participating in this season of Lent. 

Since then I have seen myself begin to embody more of these fruits, and it feels good to have confirmation that God has refilled my heart. 

Breakfast Acorn Squash- Pinterest Success

B took several days off during our spring break to knock out some lingering remodel and repair projects- so I turned to Pinterest to come up with some hearty breakfasts and scrumptious dinners.  This morning we started with a paleo recipe for a stuffed acorn squash from http://paleomg.com/5-ingredient-breakfast-stuffed-acorn-squash/

I've never cooked with- nor eaten- acorn squash, so I had no idea of the flavor that it would produce. I was delightfully surprised by its mild sweet and buttery flavor.  The sausage onions and garlic were a great savory flavor with the squash. For the last few minutes of the baking time I turned the oven to broil so the egg wouldn't be slimy on top.  B's egg turned out almost perfect with a nice silky egg yolk, mine ended up overdone for my taste, but the entire meal tasted great together so the overdone egg didn't ruin it.  

The whole process wat a bit time consuming for a breakfast, but I would definitely make this on another weekend or special occasion, 

I think if my kids hadn't seem me preparing the squash I could have slipped them this breakfast and they wouldn't have turned their noses up at it, in fact I think they would have actually liked it. 

New Year's Offering

Back in August, when we started school, I felt that God have given me a word to begin th new school year. 

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31 ESV)

This word has been scrawled across my lesson plans, helping me maintain a focus of why I teach, and my purpose in teaching.  

As I welcome in the new year, and begin considering the direction of life and making adjustments.  It can be overwhelming, especially when confronted with past failed resolutions.  My resolutions have oscillated between simple "to do" items on a check list - set up recycling -, to huge character changes - be more positive. The problem with these is that while I'm drowning trying to stay positive in the midst of a messy life, the "to do" items never get checked off.  

Resolutions, for me (and most people I know) are short lived.  The change I want to see in my life is change that is hard, and if I force it and work hard for it, in the end I'll likely end up discouraged and defeated. 

Instead, this year I am choosing a New Years offering, offering each of my days to God, focusing my life on His love,  His glory, His power. Seeking ways to reflect that and give it to those around me.  I believe that with this as my focus, God will be create change in me that I struggle to do alone. 

My verses:

Romans 12:1-2 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. 

Psalm 51:17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. (Psalms 51:17 NLT)

Just as 1 Cor. 10:31 gave me perspective in teaching - what ever I do (teach) do it to bring glory to God- helped me get my focus beyond mandates, evaluation procedures, and curriculum issues- offering my life will change my focus from ovwewhelming character flaws and impossibly long

"to do" lists and lo living a life that brings glory to God.  

December 31st

Bringing in the new year seems to breathe new life into the world.  The calendar turns a blank white page of opportunity ready to have life and purpose scrawled upon it. A chance to begin again, a chance to redirect, an opportunity to focus.  New Year = New Life. 

That is what January 1st is. 

So what is December 31? A closing? An ending? A time to reflect? A time to say good bye?

  

I had never considered December 31st as a closing or an ending, but always a day of anticipating new beginnings. That is until this year . . . 

B's grandmother passed away early in the evening, December 31.  Her death was not expected, though also not a surprise, as her health had been robbed by dementia and has been deteriating over the past few years. 

Death is never an easy topic, loss and grief are uncomfortable. Standing at the periphery of the grief, my heart hurts most for those left behind. For my father in law who has lost both parents, for my husband who has lost a pillar of his childhood memories, for my children who feel the sadness of a relationship that never had the chance to fully form - I grieve. 

I also ponder the inevitable force of change which defines life, defines its moments.... I consider death and rebirth, the driving force behind New Years resolutions. A resolve to change, a resolve to put something to rest, a resolve to begin something new. Death and loss force perspective upon you. Force me to consider what resolutions I will make? What will I put to rest this year, what new birth will I experience?  

 

December 31st, the closing of a year, a day to say good bye, a day to reflect, a day to refine, a day that marks an end.

I find something beautiful about Janiece's story ending on December 31st. 

The Pain In My Hip Is Ruining My Life

Late September, maybe early October, I experienced a slight spill down a steep hill.  The pain was instant and debilitating but short lived therefor, I believed the issue had been resolved. 

On my next long run, in preparation for the Rock and Roll Half Marathon in Denver, my hip flexor began to yell at me. . . It has been yelling ever since. For almost SIX weeks I have been on the injured reserve, nursing this nagging hip.  Around the clock anti-inflammatory, low load-baring stretches, and of course no running.

I tried my best to NOT run, but at two weeks out I thought maybe, just maybe, I could go low and slow... nope. It was still yelling.  An additional 4 weeks later with a few attempts at running and my hip was no better.

So I've gone 6 weeks with out a real run under my belt, I missed the Half Marathon, and I feel like my girth is ballooning.  Typically I would find some other way to exercise, but what can you do that doesn't involve your hip flexor?? 

Running for me is partially for the exercise and physical health benefits.   Mostly I run because it keeps me sane; when I run, I can better deal with the daily stresses. When I run, I get my much needed social time with my friend Anne. 

I've been with out the benefits of running for too long and it is taking its toll, not just on me but on my friendships, my family, and my work.  I finally made an appointment to get adjusted by my chiropractor.  I like this option as a first resort as it is non-surgical.

It turns out that little spill down the hill tweaked my hip in its socket.  It turns out that pain in my foot that I've been ignoring since summer was an out of place bone in my arch.  My chiropractor got it all back in line and I immediately felt improved, not restored, but improved

Maybe, just maybe, I'll be hitting the road regularly again soon.  Then, maybe this emotional storm I seem to be in the midst of will calm as well.

Why Can't Political Issues be Black and White, Have Clear Cut Lines to Stand On?

This year is not a very big year for elections nation wide. However, the results of our local elections hold a lot in the balance, most importantly, my job.

Our mail-in ballots contain only 5 items up for vote; the three open seats for our school board and two items for funding public education. The reason this election has such high stakes is because the outcome of public education in the Grand Valley could be drastically changed. Currently there are two people on the school board who have proved them selves to be for radical education reform and anti-teacher. In the few years since they have been elected they have sought council with those who promote public funding to be channeled into private education, considered Falcon 49 as an appropriate model for our school district, gone on the record saying that continuing education of teachers is a waste of time and teachers should not be paid more for their continued education efforts (some education is good, but too much is bad. . .??)and most recently flat out refusing to negotiate with the teacher union. Three open seats on the school board means the majority is up for grabs, and could be claimed with just ONE vote going the other way.

A friend asked me why vouchers for private schools and charter schools was "bad". In a nut shell: private and charter schools can pick and choose the students that attend their schools, public schools cannot deny anyone. What ends up happening is the students who cost the least to provide education services to go to charter or private schools and with them the state and federal money. The students who cost the most to educate- who need the most resources- are typically denied to charter and private schools and are left to attend public schools, but now there are much fewer funds to educate them. As a public education teacher I don't support public funds going to private entities.

Now this is where it gets messy. . .

Recently the US Government shut down- the issue was over raising the debt ceiling and holding out for "Obamacare". This particular event left me feeling very insecure about the strength of my country and raised my doubt that we could bounce back. The Affordable Health Care Act basically takes public funds to create affordable health care for all. However, I have great health care through my husband's work, the cost of which has gone up since the passing of "Obamacare", and will probably go up again. I will also see more of my income being withheld to fund the new health care law. Sure, I could opt out of my husband's benefit plan and purchase a public plan- which my taxes help create affordable options however, I happened to like my current plan. So, because I am choosing to stay with my husband's benefit plan I will in essence pay for public health care AND my own private plan. Wouldn't it be great if I could get a voucher - public funds - to help assist in the payment of my private plan?

So, let me get this straight - I am anti-voucher's in public education, but pro-voucher in health care?

Now it gets even more messy. . .

One of the greatest root causes to our current social situation - breakdown of families, health care crisis and such, is because the Church has failed in its most important job. We are supposed to be Jesus to the world - we are supposed to care for the widowed, the orphaned, the hungry, the needy, the homeless. Because the Church has slacked on it's job, the need to care for these has only risen, risen to a level where it has become necessary for the government to try and fill that need. So shouldn't I, as a Christian, be supportive of part of my taxes going towards welfare and health care? Isn't that what I have been called to do as a Christian? So, as a Christian I am happy to give to those in need, seeing it as part of what brings honor to God; but when it is mandated, garnished from my wages, I don't support it?

Public education, Government health care - the two hallmarks of a socialist government, can you support one and not the other, and then can you as part of your Christian beliefs and convictions not support funding that is filling the hole left by a church not fulfilling its responsibilities? Does being a public education teacher AND a Christian mean I support a Socialist government-I sure hope not. I think what is scary to me is not so much the term "socialism", but the thought of placing a man made government in such great power, that its people rely solely on the government to provide for them. Then what happens when an entire nation relies on it's government, and that government shuts down, crumbles. . . what happens to the people?

It may sound cliche' and overly churchy, but this is where I must place my heart, place my faith, place my trust: I am not a citizen on this world, I am a citizen of the kingdom of God. By setting my heart there, maybe, hopefully, I can find peace in the political storms of this world.

I Missed the Boat... or did I...

The other day I whispered a little prayer... something along these lines:

"God, help me see where I can be a better wife. - amen"

I kid you not, less than two minutes later B and I were knee high in a shit flinging fight!

I'll spare you the details for now, but in the aftermath I felt defeated.  I felt like God had given me an opportunity to grow and become a better wife, and I completely missed the boat, in stead I had jumped aboard the SS Strife!  Inwardly I just kept reflecting on the incident, trying to see what I was supposed to have learned, how I should have responded. (ok I also stewed in a place of righteous indignation for a bit) The more I reflected the more I saw how our argument was a complete role reversal of how we typically duke it out.

B usually voices a frustration to me, some times calmly- other time not so much.... and I typically respond defensively, feeling personally attacked, and start spouting off the stored ammunition of past wrongs. 

This time it sounded more like this...
ME "I need to to tell you that I am feeling _________."
B "Welcome to my world!  I've been telling you for years to ______, and I can't tell you how many times I've asked the kids to _____.  And remember when ______...."  - get the picture?

Complete role reversal... but why?  Why did we both act so out of character....

"God, help me see where I can be a better wife...."

God had answered my prayer, I was able to see, to experience the frustration and hurt of being vulnerable in stating a need or an issue only to be turned on and fired upon.  I wasn't voicing my feelings to blame and accuse him. I wasn't intending to attack his character. I was voicing a personal need in hopes of being met with a partner willing to hear me out- and that is how B comes to me.  Likewise, how B responded to me is how I've responded to him more often than not (which I hate to admit). 

So maybe I didn't miss the boat after all.... Maybe I'm on the right boat, but a long ways from the destination...

Oregon Vacation 2013

Oregon Vacation 2013, a set on Flickr.

This year the Caster family trekked thousands of miles (round trip) to the Oregon Coast.

My little family of 4(+1) made the travel time to Oregon like a mini vacation, planning stops at highly recommended places along the way. We made a stop in Hood River, at the base of Mt. Hood, and along the Colombian River Gorge.  Hood River was a really cool little town to visit.  The wind there is unbelievable, making kite surfing and wind surfing a very popular sport.  After lunch in this gem of a town we headed to Moltnomah Falls, for a walk-a-bout.  The scenery here was amazing, and its ease of access makes it quite a busy stop.  I was really surprised that Oregon doesn't begin to look like "OREGON" until you get closer to to coast, in fact it looks pretty much like the barren lands of Western Colorado and Easter Utah.

When we got to the house we rented for the week, we literally parked the car and RAN for the beach.  We spent hours - no joke- searching for the perfect house in the perfect location. We wanted a house on the rocky beach close to tide pools, but will sandy beach access close.  Our house was perfect, I could have sat for all 10 days of vacation at the windows and watched the ocean tide crash upon the rock.

Every morning we got up early and combed the beach for ocean treasures, Maddox was able to find a perfect sand dollar.

We went on many outings while visiting the coast including: Tillamook Cheese Factory, Ocean fishing, Aquariums, the boardwalk at Seaside, and the picturesque Haystack rock at Cannon Beach, riding the rails at the sand dunes, light house touring, and hiking to the highest point on the Oregon Coast at Cape Perpetua. 

We also had our fair share of days enjoying our little town of Yachats, playing on the beach, exploring tide pools, running the coastal trails, and even wine tasting.

I must say that the weather was SO much colder than I had planned for, I really would have been comfortable in my jeans and parka the whole time!  We did have two sunny afternoons where it looked warm enough to trick us into playing in the water, the kids had a blast, but my toes were as far as I could be coaxed to go in.

Our fishing trip resulted in an abundance of fresh cod and black sea bass, which we made two different fresh fish feasts with.

We also had professional family photos take by a friend of Christies while in Cannon Beach and they turned out AMAZING! (I'll see if I can get one or two to share here). 

On the last day we played a lot around Yachats, and made a special trip to see Thor's Well in Cape Perpetua, at high tide.  It truly was stunning to see the massive force of water , and feel the crashing of water against rock as it rumbled deep in your heart.

 

To wrap up our trip on an exciting note, Dillon proposed to Christie at sunset on the rocky beach just outside of the house!!!  And even better she said YES!!!!!! 

This was one heck of a fun filled family vacation!  I think our next one might be a destination wedding.... maybe somewhere warm....

My favorite trip memory would be the mornings we woke up as a family, our little 4 (+1) and explored the beach together. There was something magical and intimate about those morning hours spent together, waves crashing so loud they drowned out the rest of the world, the fog heavy and thick creating our own little world where only we existed, just us and the sea.

Mt. Sneffels Half Marathon

This race has been on my "to run" list ever since I saw a flyer for it on my 30th birthday trip to Ouray. 

I ran this course several years ago for a training run while we were camping and it quickly became my favorite run. 

My family came to cheer me on, this was the first race they were all present for, and it was great to see them along the course. 

Anne and I ran a great pace as the course is mostly a gradual down hill... Except for the first two miles, and a humongous hill at mile 11. I was pleased with my time of 2:02:11 (according to my Garmin). My goal was to be as close to two hours as possible. 

After the race the family and I enjoyed the town of Ouray - in a rain and thunderstorm. We went on a little hike on our new favorite trail, the baby bathtubs. Though the bathtubs were too full and fast to play in they still were amazingly beautiful. We also got to soak in the hot springs, in the rain. 

I absolutely LOVE Ouray, and the rain makes it all the more cozy!!

It was a beautiful morning to run, and the scenery was that which ranks among the most beautiful places in the world... And there was a nice cold beer at the finish! All in all I'd say it was pretty close to perfect! 

Back to School

This year back to school seemed to creep out of no where. Not only did our district start 2 weeks earlier than usual, but we were go-go-going right up to the last second. 

Our family vacation to Oregon brought us home the week before I officially had to return to work however, I was asked to help lead the middle school math in-service and we had to meet just days after returning home. Needless to say I was not able to get much BTS preparation done . 

I was also at the tail end of training for my half marathon, which meant we were decreasing our miles, but it also meant race day was upon me... This combined with a work week more filled with meetings than actual time to prepare for students sent me into an anxiety attack. I haven't had one this bad in a loooong time. My chest felt like it was squeezing so tight I couldn't breathe, I had a huge knot at my sternum, and my heart was racing. I sent out prayer requests and just kept saying the name of Jesus- it was all I could focus on. Thankfully this was a school inservice day and I wasn't missing out on getting work done. The anxiety alleviated enough for me to function but it lingered through the start of school. 

The Saturday before school started (with kids) we were in Ouray CO for me to run the Mt. Sneffels half marathon. We enjoyed our usual stops; Mouses Chocolate, Ouray Hot Springs, and a hike up Baby Bathtubs. My anxiety over school starting and not being prepared made it logical to head home early Sunday morning, and I was able to get some BTS shopping done. 

The morning of the first day Madison had VB try outs beginning at 6:00 AM. I was thankful that B was able to go into work late and take her, otherwise it would have been a crazy morning for Maddox and I. 

My Freshman:

She reported that the first day was hectic, "there's just so many people!"

My Second Grader:

When asked about his day Maddox replied "It was GREAT!

I wasn't able to catch a first day pic of me- darn it ;). I had no embarrassing spill to share this year, and my classes seem pretty good- which leaves me excited and hopeful. 

First week update: 

Maddox fell on the playground and got a mild concussion on the second day of school, I had to leave work and get him. I'm so thankful for my MGMS family who volunteered to take my classes. He was back to normal in a 3-4 hours and was able to go back to school the rest of the week. He was so upset that he had missed school, and his favorite subject.... Math! That's my boy!

Madison had VB tryouts M-W until 6:30. Tuesday was the PHS back to school dance until 9:00. She had homework every night and was up past 11:00 each night. Madison made the VB team, and had team building at the ropes courseThursday until 7:00. Then Friday was practice followed by a going away party for one of her close friends, Russell.  Welcome to High School Bug! 

The fact that I barely got to see Madison  this week and that this is going to be the normal for the next 4 years was heart breaking. It's hard for me to realize that my girl is on her way out. 

Cabin for the 4th of July: When I chose to see, or stumbled upon Kairos.

It is no surprise that the month of July escorts temperatures that tip the scales above 100. We typically find reprieve from the heat in the mountains just a short drive east of here at our family's cabin on Vega lake. While the temperature at the cabin is usually cooler than in town, it's still quite toasty, making for a pleasant jump in the lake to take a turn being pulled behind the boat on a tube, skis, kneeboard, or - new this year - a wakeboard. 

But God must have known that I needed a cool-down, not just physically, but emotionally, giving us a weekend with clouds, cool breezes, and evening rain showers. 

I've been putting significant effort into reigning in my emotions, not the regular emotions that make life colorful and memorable, but the emotions that make me see red, make me fall apart, or lash out at others. Taking my mornings to enjoy coffee, the sunrise, and seeking God (this is one of my favorite parts of summer). Most recently a friend share an article/blog post where a mother spoke directly to my heart, and offered some wisdom on a specific area of struggle. This idea of multidimensional time, chronos time and kairos time. 

What's this have to do with my weekend away? For the first tow days I was stuck and frustrated with chronos time, the passing of minutes. Stuck and frustrated because time was passing and I wasn't enjoying any of it. My children arguing, being rude, proclaiming boredom, refusing to share- all of this was stealing my joy. 

Halfway into day two I lost it, told my son to pack his bags I was taking him home. Tears, pleas, promises... And a realization that I had set down a punishment a bit too grand for the offense, and one I really couldn't follow through with logistically, I gave him one last chance. 

I also realized that I was allowing myself to get taken up with the frustrations rather than seeking out the moments of joy and beauty - kairos. (Honesty disclaimer: This realization came after a Xanax and a nap- my nap.)

This became my unintended mission (yes, I see the dichotomy of that phrase) for the remainder of our mountain stay- seek the kairos - those moments outside of the chronological passing of minutes- when it seems that the world is put on pause, and you glimpse the extravagant beauty of this precise moment.

The sun setting behind the distant peaks, reflecting off the lake, the soundtrack of nature smoothly transitions to the track titled "Evening".... Kairos....

Freshly washed earth, still and silent morning air, rhythmic thumping of heartbeat, running shoes, and breath greeting the sing song chirps of morning..... Kairos..  

Roar of boat engine, gliding across smooth waters, my children's smiling faces and outstretched arms sailing behind the boat, their confident, brave, and daring spirits shining through.... Kairos....

Exclamations and wonder at critters found, creating habitats with care and attention to detail, enjoying the the uniqueness of  creation, then  releasing them back to the wild.... Kairos...

Sleeping children exhausted from a weekend of fun and adventure, the sticky remnants of ice cream glistening on their lips, and the warm desert air once again pressing on my skin, welcoming me home.... Kairos... 

I'm learning to trust, quite slowly, that my God is mighty, that I can rest in His power; where I lack He is abundant and taking time to seek kairos shifts my attitude to gratitude. 

Oh God, Chisel Me!

Maddox and I are so very much alike, in fact I've learned so much about what I need by being his mother. On more than one occasion I have seen him exhibit a behavior or reaction and I'm like "that's exactly how I feel! Now what does he need, food? Rest? Physical activity? " Thus determining my own need based on my mothering instincts for him.

Unfortunately we also share this tendency to come unglued, this overwhelming rush of emotions that inhibit all rational thought, and our brains spin out. I despise this part of me and I am wracked with guilt seeing it surface in my child.

I was given a book, UNGLUED by Lysa Terkeurst, that delves into the very heart of this and through some comedic relief and Gods word guides towards "making wise choices in the midst of raw emotions". To be completely honest this book was difficult and overwhelming- and oh so good- on one hand I wanted to devour the words from cover to cover, on the other I wanted to meditate, chew on, and practice. I ended up setting it aside for a few months, unfinished. Just this week it made its way to the surface of my reading pile, just when I was ready and in need of it again.

After skimming the first 40 pages and my personal reflections scrawled across the margins, I began to meditate on the section "Unfinished Sculptures"and how what she shares here speaks to my heart, and would also speak to Maddox's. The teacher in me began to find a way to share this with my son in a way that would engage him.

Thank God for Google! I had images of the statue of David, blocks of marble, and the Unfinished sculptures that are at the heart of this lesson. (Ideally I would have a block of foam for him to create a sculpture with at the end...)

We started with The David, discussing this masterpiece, said to be sculpture perfection, we talked about how long it took Michelangelo, and that for the duration he never left the sculptures side.

Then I showed him the blocks of marble similar to the piece that The David had emerged from. We discussed how and what tools Michelangelo would have used.

 Then, the key point: it is said that when asked how he created this perfection, Michelangelo replied that he just chiseled away the parts that didn't look like David.

This is what God is doing with us, chiseling away the pieces that don't look like us. I asked Maddox if we were the finished perfection like The David, and he said "No, Gods still chiseling." (Love this boy) then I showed him the Unfinished Sculptures, this is where we are, still being molded and chiseled into what and who God wants us to be. When we come into difficult or trying situations, God is using them to chisel away the parts of stone that don't look like us. When we feel ourselves becoming UNGLUED, God is showing us an area that needs chiseled.

Then I asked how long he thought it would take for us to become sculpture perfection like The David, two years of constant attention? Less? More? He pondered for a moment and when he spoke, his response showed great wisdom, "I don't think we will ever be perfect, mom. I think that there will probably always be something that needs to be chiseled." WOW!!! I am still, even after writing this, in awe and wonder at the perspective of his words.

He didn't stop there, he went on to tell me how this reminded him of what his grandma told him, that he is God designed, purpose intended, significant, lavishly loved, prince, son of the King of the universe.

He had lots of questions, I suppose they are the same questions we all have: What is he designing me to do? What purpose has he intended for me? How will I know?

In the end we agreed that we would trust what God says about us, choose to walk in love, and continue to pray "Oh God, chisel me!"