Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Change, the Ensuing Anxiety and Whispers from God

I ended the school year having moved into a new room with a window and full of excitement for what was next.  I had plans, great plans, for my next year at MGMS.  Then I received a phone call- dense with possibilities- calling me to change, to lay aside MY plans for next year and take on something new.  I was asked to take on a math position at PHS and begin training as an IB instructor.  The thought of getting to challenge myself as an educator and continue to develop professionally was exciting, heady.  Could I do it? Could I leave my own personal slice of paradise to take on the unknown?

I spent quite a bit of time in prayer, and in the Word, and just sitting still with the possibilities. In the end I felt at peace about making the move.  Once the decision was made I was just a boulder succumbing to gravity, the change happened so quickly, everything fell into place with such ease and with so little effort, I knew that I had done the right thing.

Fast forward to the middle of summer, my garage is packed full with what was my classroom, I am without a home, with out a room, without a schedule of courses- in a state of limbo. I have just spent an hour telling my friend, who will be taking my position at MGMS (we basically swapped places) how amazing my students are, sharing the excitement of doing the school news. She reciprocated in telling me what I would be taking on at the HS-  only her stories left me wavering in the uncertainty of my decision but hopeless to make any course correcting change - a pregnant woman hearing the horrors of pregnancy, labor, and child rearing.

My uncertainty quickly spread to ... "How did I miss God?"  How did I so completely misunderstand the peace I felt when contemplating the move originally?  I began to doubt everything, doubt myself, doubt my decision making ability, doubt my ability to be a teacher; fear crept in and I was frozen with anxiety.

Unable to deal with the physical pain, sleepless nights, and irritability from my anxiety. I turned to God again.
A simple request, "God open my heart to hear from you, help me to be sensitive to what you have for me today."  and my God listened, my God replied with his word, woven perfectly together to bring his peace to my heart once again.

 The Lord is my strength and my song He has given me victory (Exodus 15:2).  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the Lord you God will personally go ahead of you he will neither fail you nor abandon you (Deut. 31:6).  God is with her, she will not fail.(Ps 46:5) Be strong and courageous, and do the work.  Don't be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you.  He will not fail you or forsake you.  He will see to it that all the work related to the temple of the Lord is finished correctly (1 Chronicles 28:20).  To which I replied, yes, but that's about the temple, not me... Do you realize that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit! (1 Cor 6:19).

My fear thawed by a Father gently whispering to my heart.  I became unstuck, again a boulder surrendering to gravity.  My creativity and confidence for teaching returning.  I received a room, a schedule, and the mental capacity to begin making plans for next year.

Am I still anxious?  Am I still scared?  Those words seem so huge and negative, so I'd have to say no. Instead I feel the residue of these emotions, faint and slight, just enough to know that I have taken on a change, that it won't be easy, that it will be work...

... but it will be good.

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