Friday, August 12, 2011

A Birthday Post...Thoughts on Growing Up

Celebrating my 32nd year happened with out much "pomp and circumstance", but I did not feel any less special or loved.

For the past few years, maybe since I have been running, I have celebrated my birthday with a difficult run, as a way to laugh in the face of age's ill effects, and this year was no different. Anne and I went on an 8 mile run in Palisade, the official kick start to our half marathon training. I absolutely love running in Palisade; through out the run we are surrounded by orchards, vineyards, quaint Victorian homes, and stunning mountains. It is so peaceful, an inspiring place to run.

After the run I headed to the gym with Allison, I posted about our work out earlier, but in short: I expected upper body, we did lower body, my legs cried...

Later that day Allison and I went out for pedicures and coffee, it was nice to be pampered a bit.

That evening Brian and I went out for sushi.(Allison watched Maddox, and Madison had soccer practice) Then he took me shopping for my present. I have been wanting some sort of e-reader for quite a while now, so we went to Best Buy where I could try them all out in one place. I ended up with the Nook, mainly because we have a B&N local, so I can go in there and get help if I need it. I didn't get the color because I really didn't want to be reading off of a back lit screen, just being on the computer for a bit makes my eyes cross.

Maddox kept asking when we were going to have my party, and when he found out we weren't having one he asked: "How are you going to get all your presents then?" He didn't like the answer that when you grow up partys and the barrage of gifts dwindle... he doesn't want to grow up now.

As 32 approached I became very reflective on what it meant to grow up, I mean I am now as old as my mom... you know that phenomenon when you become the age you remember your parents being when you were growing up... it's a weird place to be.

Now that I am an official grown up...{32 is the magic # i guess} I have come to some realizations.... the first and greatest.... is I really don't care what other people think any more. This is huge for me. My whole life I have cared what other people think, so much so that I don't think I really knew who I was, from the clothes I choose to wear, to the design styling of my home, or my opinions on politics, education, and religion; I am not sure if those reflect me or the me I created in hopes of being accepted. I have been so consumed being the friend, or daughter that I thought other people wanted me to be that I became lost in the mix somewhere.

Over the past few years I have been thinking and discussing this with my closest friends. I really thing that this stems from me HATING conflict, and I think that comes from fear of abandonment. I have thought that if I disagreed with someone, or argued with someone they would leave me, not be my friend anymore, not love me anymore.

For example on my 30th birthday we went to Ridgeway and Ouray with Vycci and Danny. One evening we were sitting have a nice talk when all of the sudden the conversation turned to a touchy topic. I completely withdrew from the conversation while B, Vycci, and Danny continued. The situation became so uncomfortable for me that, completely out of character, I spoke up and asked to change the subject saying I was uncomfortable with the arguing. All three of them looked at me a bit bewildered... "were not arguing, we are just having a conversation." It turns out that no one else felt the tension of the discussion except for me.

This moment has been pivotal for me; it helped me see that it is my own insecurity that brings tension to conversations. That everyone else {exaggeration I know} can have a conversation, even a disagreement, and it doesn't rock them emotionally into thinking their friendship or relationship is going to fall apart from it. In fact I have come to realize that having these touchy discussions, conversations about the deeper things or our beings {beliefs, persuasions, prejudices, culture} are what bring a relationship deeper, make it more meaningful.

I am no where near being comfortable with these situations, but I am at a place where I don't want to run from them. I am in a place where I feel I finally can embrace who I am, with out fear of rejection.

So who am I?
I am someone who longs to know God more, someone who can't imagine a life with out her husband and it scares her to death, someone whose heart feels as though it will burst with how much love and joy her children bring to her.

I am someone who needs friendships and time to cultivate them just as much as time spent alone.

I am someone who is competitive, creative, and thrives in academia, though I doubt the uniqueness of my perspective-what I have to offer.

I am someone full of emotion and feels them all with blazing intensity, it often skews my ability to be reasonable and think rationally.

I am someone who will give all of me, do everything in my power, give up anything, when called upon for help.

Learned? I am someone, who at 32, is finally coming into her own.


pretendingsanity said...

like <3

sarahgrace said...

I can SO relate to how you feel about conflict! UGH... I think I will forever be dealing with it. I don't think I'm quite at the point yet where I will voluntarily "stir the pot." Yep definitely still working on some insecurities in that area. Good for you! (And Happy 32!)

Polly said...

So sweetly written! We are all a work in progress, it is nice to get to an age that you can reflect back, learn about cause and effect, become comfortble and grow.

Summer said...

You are such a wonderful blogger Brooke, your words are well thought out and written and you are able to make others feel emotion when you write, what a gift. I, like you, have issues with conflict and more and more am becomming comfortable with myself and not bothering to worry about others but I have to say your words reassure me that feeling that way must just mean we are normal average women who are still learning and living every day. Thanks for this post. Happy Belated Birthday!